moragmacpherson: (Default)
moragmacpherson ([personal profile] moragmacpherson) wrote2011-10-13 08:03 pm

Texts From S

S is my cousin.  He's also one of my best friends.  S lives in Chicago these days but thanks to modern communications technology, he never feels very far away.  At least once a week, he will randomly text message me something, generally absurd, sometimes a quote, often while drunk, but always something that makes me smile.  It's gotten to the point where my text inbox is so full of my favorite saved messages from S that I have no choice but to delete some of them, which makes me sad.  So I've decided to preserve them here, because the internet is forever and after the last few posts I've made, something happy that isn't actually fiction will make a nice change.

When the message is a quote I recognize, I'll give the source.  My phone automatically deletes my outbox, so I don't have the exact replies for some of these conversations (if my reply isn't fairly obvious, I'll try to paraphrase), but bear in mind - he always begins the exchange.  Yes, even this first one.  Yes, it came out of the blue to me too.  All messages are SIC, except for names, which have been abbreviated or in my case, changed to Morag.

March 19, 8:11 pm
S: You and you quasi intellectual hab-nobary.
Me: (I'm playing darts with your brother R.)
S: Tell R I can kick his ass at darts....digital darts

April 15, 4:48 pm
(Beneath picture of Meatwad and Carl from Aqua Team Hunger Force)
S: Did you just want to cut yourself man, see how long you can do it before you just, ha ha...pass out man.

Apr 23, 1:12 am
S: The gelgamic is over three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth.  Do You really expect us to sex with that?

Apr 23, 2:04 pm
(Beneath picture of Stan's Father being arrested while wearing only his tighty whities from South Park)
S: I thought this was America

Apr 24, 2:13 pm
S: Damn, I feel like I should have been the one who wrote the 'little lion man' song

May 2, 8:35 pm
S: Global warming, cured it.  Bin laden, killed him.  Mr president, how do you feel about education?  I don't know, let's see, I killed bin laden
S: Frisky dingo foresaw this situation, Morag!!!
(Me: Asking if he'd seen the macro that said something like, "Sorry it took me so long to get you my birth certificate, I was too busy killing bin Laden)
S: Or the clip where he kicks the door after his speech!

May 13, 9:41 pm
S: I bet I could kick a rams ass right now
(Me: Right now or any time?)
S: Right now and that is the important fact!!!

May 15, 2:31 am
(Underneath blurry picture of the band Cake onstage)
S: Cake was pretty bad ass,, small venue and they played for 3 hours...mmm an evening full of cake

May 17, 3:52 pm
S: I feel locked away at work but I am enjoying this project....I have patty hearst syndrome!!!

May 20, 7:41 pm
(No message, just a picture of himself wearing a large blonde woman's wig and pursing his lips.  I'll be saving this one.)

July 19, 2:24 pm
S: It is illegal to be naked next to dead people

July 22, 2:13 am
(From Anchorman?)
S: I am completely miserable san Diego! It's so damn hot out, milk was a bad choice!
(Me: [I have no memory whatsoever of this exchange, but if he opened with Ron Burgundy, the response was more than likely: "Scotch, scotch, scotch.  I love scotch."])
S: Wake and bake dude, wake and bake.  Are you holding, you got holden caulfield in there?

July 30, 11:58 pm (If you have any idea what might have happened here, I'd love to hear your theory.  I called him the next morning to make sure he wasn't dead of alcohol poisoning or mugged and left to die in the gutter. He assured me that his phone was never stolen or hacked. But he doesn't remember why he sent it or what it means either.)
S: moon moon moon  send mail
(Me: WTF?)
S: It make at.  At flight mobistar Joe.gr.ma.gr.minimum.  Nicew. Jammt lock. Cain

August 10, 9:11 pm
(From Frisky Dingo)
S: Had like half a bottle of melatonin, 6 beers, this whole fucking bucket of chicken...the sandman is coming.

August 12, 9:32 am
S: I feel more like Wendell.  How are you doing [Completely random variant of my full name that is not the one I use]?
(Me: Fine, probably yelled at him for mispelling my name. How are you?)
S: I am doing well, I was at a wedding in reading, pa last weekend and one of the groomsman smashed a glass over his roommates head for calling him gay. Classy

August 12, 9:56 pm
S: How big do you think a whale's vagina is?

August 13, 1:50 am
(From Frisky Dingo)
S: Old Wendell has dragged his pineapple through plenty of women.

August 14, 2:22 am
(From Frisky Dingo)
S: This marsh will run red with the fruits of My slaughter!!!

August 16, 12:00 am
S: Quit poking me you got that dang poking stick dang honky
S:.....you fucker
(Me: [No recollection at all of this exchange.  I must have replied with something.])
S: I shall have no lingers in my shop, now fetch my lolli.
(When the hell did S watch Black Books?)

August 17, 4:15 pm
S: Merman dad.  MERMAN!!!!

August 18, 3:58 pm
S: Oh Hooper you can't find your flipflops can you

August 27, 11:35 am
S: The weather channel anchor was saying how stupid people are in Virginia for driving in a hurricane...there were several oversized pickup trucks on the road

August 20, 2:37 am
S: I asked my barber if he could give me a haircut to accentuate my alcoholism

September 14, 1:41 pm
S: I have a microwave!!

September 15, 9:22 am
(Paraphrasing Tool)
S: Fuck L Ron Hubbard and fuck all his clones.  Fuck retro anything and fuck your tattoos...learn to swim

September 22, 11:03 am
(From Frisky Dingo)
S: Welcome to you're "DOOM"!
(Me: Why is 'doom' in quotes?)
S: Oh, Morag, I could watch you read the phone book and pay to do so

September 23, 1:53 pm
(From Frisky Dingo?)
S: Oh your  blood is too thin for a stroke.  Maybe you should lay off the platinum infused high balls

September 24, 2:21 am (NB: I got nothing on this one either.  S knows I'm bi. He and I even have a shared ex-girlfriend (I dated her three years after he did).)
S: Oh, you don't know if you are even gay

September 24, 3:47 pm
S: Bilbo teabagin.  I just got that.

September 26, 11:32 am
(Underneath picture of bacon slices arranged like flowers in a beer stein)
S: Bacon and beer....Mmmmmm
(Me: (Underneath picture of supercar in my driveway)  Lotus Exige I'm about to ride in.  Mmmmm.
S: Sweet!  Have fun you damn brat

September 30, 9:32 am
S: You can't eat carpet silly daddy.  Sure you can't like that, you gotta boil it, til the glue gets soft

October 2, 12:26 am
S: I want to adopt a pitbull, they can be rehabilitated Right just

October 3, 12:48 am
S: Morag, I love crabs, I love eggs, and I love boiling denim

October 13, 3:42 pm
S: I've been eating chocolate all day, I got a freaking loogie that can fill a lake
(Me: Interesting.  Chocolate's actually a better expectorant than dextromorphan, the main ingredient in robitussin.  Oh, by the way, guess who got certified sane today?  Hint: it wasn't my mom.)
S: Ha, you frame that note from your doctor
(Me: Nope, just got a bunch of 90 day scrips and orders not to strain myself)
S: THat is great news Morag, I am glad modern medicine wins again















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