I know what you were trying to do and you get points for that, but I'm having the same problem as everyone else. When writing a story based on another 'not story' format sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Like District 9. It's a mock documentary but they have footage in the movie that would have never made it into a documentary, so the movie breaks form but it does so in order to better tell the story.
Part of your problem is your [REDACTED]s are all caps. People's eyes jump to all caps because we think it's more important. Using small caps, like [redacted] would have been smoother. Another option you could have used would have been the s̶t̶r̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶. While not entirely accurate for the format it makes for a better story as it is a bit less muddled a read but it still gets at the form and the idea of censorship.
Switching to black bars would not help, because they draw the eye in the same way that all caps text does. Next time I suggest going with small caps or the strike through, or a similar format.
So E for effort but the presentation needs a bit of tweaking. XD
no subject
Part of your problem is your [REDACTED]s are all caps. People's eyes jump to all caps because we think it's more important. Using small caps, like [redacted] would have been smoother. Another option you could have used would have been the s̶t̶r̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶. While not entirely accurate for the format it makes for a better story as it is a bit less muddled a read but it still gets at the form and the idea of censorship.
Switching to black bars would not help, because they draw the eye in the same way that all caps text does. Next time I suggest going with small caps or the strike through, or a similar format.
So E for effort but the presentation needs a bit of tweaking. XD